Hoping to someday find M's brother adopted in the U.S. -
Myckola Oleksandrovych Markov - 8/26/2003

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Honeymoon Over?

Well it seems that the "newness" has worn off of Katya for the boys. They were infatuated with her and wanted to give her all their toys and hug and kiss her until she fussed at them to stop. Now it seems that they have decided that having a sister can be annoying, especially one who likes to get right up what they're doing and tell them that its HERS. For the past two or three days there has been constant picking, bickering, and squealing for Maaaaaaaaaaaaama!!!!

Wes has even taken to acting baby like and pointing at things instead of saying what he wants and Wyatt has been acting just plain jealous.

So Daddy decided to spend some extra time with Wesley last night after sneeking him out of the house once the other two were in bed. Last night was the first night that Daddy didn't have to stay in our room with Katya for an hour or more to get her to go to sleep. She didn't go right to sleep, but she didn't cry and scream either and she did eventually go to sleep. The Daddy time seemed to make Wes feel special and he's been better today even though we've been stuck in the house all day because of bad weather.

Wyatt has been just ORNERY! Could be that he's 2 1/2 and could be that he just got a new sister that he feels is threatening his mama time. But we had to establish some "personal space" today and that seemed to greatly help him. I let him play with the playdoh by himself and would not let the others touch it until he was done. Both Katya and Wes got a timeout for messing with him after I said not to and this seemed to reassure Wyatt that I meant what I said about just telling me when someone upsets him and not hitting or screaming at them.

Katya has also decided to test me on everything. Going up stairs (we don't want her to do it herself b/c we're afraid she'll get hurt), throwing toys across the room, bad table manners and screaming just for the heck of it. She looks at me each time to see if I am watching her and then waits to see what I'm going to do about it. She isn't happy about sitting in timeout but it seems that afterwards she is actually in a better mood.

So far today has had a lot of timeouts but I feel like we've made progress in establishing boundaries for each of the kids and that seems to make them feel more secure.

Me:
And what about me? Well I've quit breaking down in tears every day and texting my hubby just to ask him to tell me one more time that I'm a good mom. My biggest issue has been just not having time to spend enough time with each of the kids. People seem to think that adopting is not like having a baby and if you already have 2 kids then adding another 4 year old should be easy. Well its not. And unless you've done it you don't understand. Its ridiculously hard and probably the hardest thing I've done (funny how many times I've topped "hardest thing ever done" in the past year). BUT I can see that the reward for those who trust God and just do what He asks and trusts that He will provide you with what you need when you need it is far better than a life of complacency and always wondering what if... Katya was well on her way to being transferred to an institution from the Baby House. Children in Ukraine with special needs are not looked upon kindly by society and usually around 4 years old they are sent to an institution for the rest of their life. The orphanage director confirmed this with us at our last meeting.

Katya needs me to spend extra time with her making up the 4 years we didn't have together so she can form a healthy attachment to me as her mom. She was showing signs of an attachment disorder so we have just stayed at home so I can be the only one who takes care of her. This makes my boys feel like they are missing out and this makes me feel like I also need to spend more time with them. Then I have to make breakfast, lunch and dinner for all of us every day and we cannot afford fast food. I buy stuff as cheap as possible at the store so I can make everything from scratch. Its better for us, cheaper, but it takes more time.

Then the laundry! Ay yi yi! Katya was treated for a parasite upon arriving home and I had to sanitize all of her clothes (and everyone elses just to be safe cause they were all together) and the bed sheets once she finished her medication. So until she finished it, I sanitized the toilets daily and kept everything sprayed down with disenfectant. Maybe not all necessary but I am just a germ freak like that.

The dishes. Oh boy. Cooking for 5 makes a lot of dishes!

Cleaning the house... like I said I'd been trying to keep everything really sanitized the first week home with my steam shark mop and antibacterial windex. Now I'm just trying to keep up with the dried playdoh, mud, sand, and chopped up paper pieces I keep finding all over the house.

My nemesis NAPTIME. Ugh I dread this everyday. Naptime takes me the entire afternoon. Katya is JUST now getting to the point where I can walk out of the room and she won't scream. I have to put both boys to bed, and I mentioned that they have been feeling left out, right? Well they show it most at naptime. Every time I think I've gotten one settled they'll call for me. Or get out of bed. Or make a huge racket so I have to go lay them down again. Each time ONE does something, they ALL hear it. I get so frazzled by the end of naptime that I couldn't nap with them if they would all be quiet at the same time. I feel like I'm on "High Alert" most of the time. I've gotten so tense that I've had a screaming nerve in my neck for days. And I mean SCREAMING as in can't turn my head or it makes me want to scream.

And what about paying the bills? Oh oops I forgot about this for a few days and missed some payments. Nice. I plan on calling and asking for the late charge to be removed due to frazzled mama syndrome.

Through all of this Phillip has been so great. He comes home from work and plays with the kids so I can finish dinner (or start it depending on what the day has been like). He lets me take a shower before we put the kids to bed because that is the only time of day I can get one. I don't know what I would do without him because its just me and the kiddos all day. I love this man. I have always felt like I knew I loved him but when I had Wes and I NEEDED him, he was there for me to do what I couldn't and that made me fall in love on a deeper level. Then the same thing with Wyatt. I needed him and he was there. Now I need him even more and even though this has been a long, tough, stressful journey, we are all lovey dovey with each other because we NEED each other. I really love this man. I told him last night that once the turmoil has calmed down, we need to figure out some couple time because we are both seriously missing each other. We have no time to ourselves right now because its all poured into the kiddos.

I would like to thank my cousin and his wife for making us dinner and delivering it the night I picked Phillip and Katya up from the airport. And me picking them up is kind of funny because I promptly got lost leaving the airport and Philip had to drive us all home. He just spent 24 hours on airplanes with a crying 4 year old and had to drive us home. Poor man. I am just not great at driving in the dark when I don't know where I'm going.

So what I have learned is that some things are harder than you ever ever thought they would be. Katya and I didn't bond right away (and are still working on it) and that threw me for a loop. She felt like a little stranger here almost and I thought there was something wrong with me for feeling like that. All of my frantic attempts to keep the house clean, kids fed, laundry and dishes washed probably didn't help either. I have had to make myself stop what I'm doing and spend time with the kids.

I keep waiting for the housecleaning service and personal chef to show up on my doorstep because I told God I needed them, but I think they must be busy somewhere else lol

I hope this post doesn't come across as me regretting our decision to adopt or that I think I've taken on too much. I don't feel that way at all. I am more than a little frustrated with the lack of support we've had since we've been home, but to be honest I expected it and part of my frustration is at myself for expecting myself to be supermom and then falling short. I think I need to give myself a break. For real.

What I do have is joy. Joy unspeakable :) I look at the 3 of them playing together and my heart is happy. Its all worth it and a thousand times more.

5 comments:

Gary and Tina said...

Erin,

I love this post from your heart. I can relate a little to you as I have 4 foster kids, age 2-5, but I don't stay home with them like you. On weekends it is a little stressful because I do feel like I have to be "supermom." I am praying for you guys and I know that months from now you will look back and things will be going so smoothly that it will be hard to remember this time. It is only for a season and God never gives us anything we can't handle.

Tina

Mama of 3 said...

Thanks Tina :) Have you guys figured out what you're doing in Ukraine yet?

Gary and Tina said...

Not really. I would go tomorrow if I knew for sure we had a designated child(ren) waiting for us. But, going to the SDA blindly like we did does not really appeal to Gary anymore. Just praying and waiting on God to show us His plan.

Mama of 3 said...

I know what you mean! We were talking about hosting a child at some point IF we decided to adopt again. I'm like you, the blind process was just too much.
I'll be praying for you guys.

Cindi Campbell said...

My one little splurge is paper bowls from Target. They are 2.50 maybe more. Improved my disposition greatly and that is priceless.



We witness a miracle every time a child enters into life; but those who make their journey home across time and miles, growing within the hearts of those who wait to love them,are carried on the wings of destiny; and placed among us by God's very own hands. --Kristi Larson

 

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