Hoping to someday find M's brother adopted in the U.S. -
Myckola Oleksandrovych Markov - 8/26/2003

Friday, January 6, 2012


We had issues with Mariah using urinating on herself or us when we first came home with her last year.  We put her back in diapers for a while even though she was completely able to go potty on the toilet when she needed to.

We've had her in underwear for a good while now and had been having minimal issues at night.  We switched her bed up and made it so she felt comfortable getting in and out of it whenever she needed so she could go potty in the night if she woke up and needed to.

This pretty much solved the peeing on herself issue because she had just been laying in her bed doing all kinds of things to get our attention so we'd take her out and to the bathroom even if she didn't really need to go. 

All of a sudden in the last two weeks, she's begun wetting herself in her bed on purpose and then laying in it until we come to get her up and she'll look at us and say, "I peed on myself."  We know that we know its intentional.  We've removed everything from the bed except for a small pad to absorb pee and she has lost the privileged of pajamas until she can prove that she will not pee on them. 

We've gotten her up to take her a few hours after she goes to bed.  Her daddy has gotten up super early in the morning to take her.

Yet its still happening. Even if its only the little bit she has left in her bladder she will pee.  She is now responsible for cleaning up her own mess by taking the pad and her undies to the washer, wiping the bed down, and anywhere else she made a mess.  Then she gets to sit on the potty for a good long time so she can "remember" how to use it correctly. 

Sometimes she'll even pee on herself before we go to bed so we're talking like 2 hours in the bed, not going to sleep then wetting.  Sometimes at naptime which is well after lunch, she'll go potty, lay down and never go to sleep (I've watched) then pee on herself an hour later without ever trying to get up and go potty.

I've talked to several people about this and we've kind of narrowed it down to a few things.

1) Control.  She wants to make sure that we know that she doesn't have to get up if she doesn't want to OR she's trying to convince us that its "too hard" for her to get up because she wants a diaper back.  This is a battle she'll lose if this is what the problem is because she is the one who is making a mess for herself.  She's said that she did not pee on herself at her grouppa, but she's also said that she was spanked if she peed on herself and named the caretaker who did it.  Maybe it got her something she felt was worth peeing on herself over so she's trying it here.  She may be trying to get what she wants by peeing on her self. Not.gonna.work.

2) Loss of disability.  She's walking SUPER well now.  The physical part of her CP is so much less of an issue than it was when we came home.  She's totally mobile.  Maybe that scares her.  Maybe she wants extra attention and she was used to getting it because she couldn't walk.  Now she can walk and do for herself so she feels that she should pee on herself to get people to do things for her.

3) She has said before that she was angry at us for something (going shopping without her) so she peed.  I don't really believe this.

4) She wants to know we mean what we say and if this is the reason, she is the most hardheaded child I've ever seen.  Who else would want to go 2 weeks knowing the consequences and still pushing it with us.  If this is it, she'll definitely find out we mean what we say.  

I've talked to a few people who say that we've just got to find a punishment that she absolutely hates and be consistent.  We've tried ignoring it.  She escalates the bad behavior.  Whatever it is that she is trying to gain by doing this, we've got to make the punishment something that will make her realize "This is not worth it."

She has brand new pajamas she got for Christmas that she cannot wear until she quits peeing on herself.  We've talked about treating things with respect.  We've talked about how mommy  and daddy love to buy her pretty clothes and pajamas and nice warm blankets, but that if she cannot treat them with respect, then she cannot have them. 

We've talked about how this is HER choice to continue peeing on herself and that it will be HER choice to stop.  Its HER choice to have to clean up the yucky bed, scrub it down, and go sit on the toilet while the rest of us enjoy breakfast downstairs.  We've explained that we love her no matter what, and we love doing things with her and buying things for her, but we treat each other and our things with respect.  Peeing on our things is making a mess and not showing respect.  We've talked about how if something is bothering her she can talk to us about it and its totally ok to be angry or sad and talk about why, but its NOT ok to use that as an excuse to pee on things. 

Bad choices = consequences. 

Whew...  this is the tough side of parenting.  Sometimes I want to just pretend its not a big deal, but it is.  If we ignore it, it escalates.  She has to know we mean what we say because if we don't mean it for when she does bad things, how can she know we mean it when we say we love her and she's here to stay forever?  We've decided that no matter what the reason is for what she's doing, the punishment we have in place is appropriate.  I can see how this much spunk, don't mess with me attitude, and hardheaded determination can help her go far in life.  We just have to get it going for us and not against us!

On a positive note, she loves her new preschool, loves her tutor and NEVER EVER has an "accident" anywhere except for here.  This is like our last kink we have to work out and boy will I be glad when we do. 


Gary and Tina Bell said...

Hang in there Erin. You are doing the right thing. We had issues similar to this with a foster child and it is so hard to pin point what the trigger is. You guys have the right attitude and are determined enough that you will succeed.


Winnie said...

Keep doing what your doing. Certainly having her clean up her mess is part of it. I however would totally ignore it after that.

She wets the bed simple say "Ok, now go clean things up" and walk out of the room and don't discuss it at all. I think the trick here is to totally act like it doesn't matter one bit to you. I know it's beyond frustrating and if you have to lock yourself in the bathroom and scream into a towel do it.

I've also read to double make the bed by having a set of sheets covered by a rubber sheeet and then another set of sheets. Wet the first one pull it all off and use the second set of sheets. This will save you from even having to get out of bed and she can clean up her own mess.

It's normal for kids to regress with bed wetting behaviors when stressed by something - even though you don't quite know what the stressors are. You say things escalate when you ignore it and that's normal too just to see if they can do something more to egg you on.
Keep your cool. Buy some sheets at the thrift store - plain ones, no princesses etc, and a large amount of laundry detergent.
Hang in there this too shall pass!

Mama of 3 said...

Thanks for the encouraging comments guys. I cringe writing stuff like this and putting it out there, but eh, sometimes I HAVE to get it out. I wish we knew, like REALLY knew why she was doing this, but we may never know so I will continue with cause and effect consequences.

Winnie said...

If it makes you feel better I was up changing sheets at 4:30 this am!

Not a pretty sight!

We witness a miracle every time a child enters into life; but those who make their journey home across time and miles, growing within the hearts of those who wait to love them,are carried on the wings of destiny; and placed among us by God's very own hands. --Kristi Larson