We also received some really bad news about one of our boys.
I'm not ready to share it because I am still clinging to hope that its a mistake.
Either way I just can't get to my boys fast enough.
Right now it looks like we could get a date in the last week of September or the first week of October.
I got to spend half the night in the ER last night too after dealing with sudden onset of intense lower back pain that lasted all day long. I went to an Urgent Care place after my husband got home from work and they promptly sent me to the ER where they gave me an IV and 3 different drugs. After a CT scan they finally figured out what was wrong. It was not kidney stones like everyone suspected but a cyst that burst. Evidently the bursting was the most painful part, but also means it will go ahead and heal on its own, so I have some good drugs for a few days.
I told the doctor I had two meetings with school and double therapy for M this week. I do not have time to be in that kind of pain. Thankfully I am feeling better physically, but really stressed out emotionally.
As we are waiting for our travel date, I was thinking how helpful it would be to have Hryvnia with us when we land in Ukraine. That way we don't have to go exchange money right away in order to buy food or whatever we need.
One family blessed us with what they had leftover from their adoption and I was thinking that others might have some left over as well. If you have any leftover Ukrainian currency and would like to mail it to us, please leave your email in the comments.
I found your half eaten pack of sunflower seeds this morning. The ones without the shells because you like the reward without the work. I cried. I remember how silly you looked when you dumped the pack upside down into your mouth a little too fast and seeds came pouring out.
I picked up your shoes off the porch. The ones with holes in them that you wore on the plane. The ones we bought you at Christmas. They still smell bad. I can't throw them away just yet, so I put them back.
The loaf of Rye bread is in the place you left it. No one else likes Rye. I bought it for you.
I saw that you left your birthday cards underneath your bed. I know you did that because you want them to be safe. They are next to your Christmas stocking.
I washed your dirty socks. I wanted to send all of your socks with you, but being the boy that you are, we had to make you shower and change clothes before driving to the airport. They are waiting for you in your drawer. I hope you don't end up needing them.
The math papers I helped you with are downstairs. I can't throw them away. You practiced writing your name in English on them and used our last name.
I drove a lot yesterday. I took W to the doctor. I went to Wal-Mart. I drove to school. I took M to therapy. I did it all with an empty seat next to me. I cried every time I had to look at it.
I cried at the sight of your bed last night when I told the boys "goodnight" because it was empty and I wanted to tell you that I loved you one.more.time.
I finally realized the last night you were here that the reason you never hugged us back was not because you didn't want to be hugged. It was because no one had ever hugged you. You didn't know how. I only wish I had shown you where to put your arms sooner.
I'm pretty much a weepy mess. Everywhere I've driven today, I've looked over at the empty seat next to me and cried. I had it together briefly to walk in somewhere, then this song came on the radio with these lyrics. I googled it and saw Amy Grant sang it.
"God loves a lullaby
In a mother's tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes."
Even though it hurts, I'm thankful.
If we hadn't fallen in love, we wouldn't have said yes.
If we hadn't said yes, they would always be alone.
I was the coordinator for airport arrival and departures at my location for our host group. This is the third time I've had to say goodbye to a child I love.
This was by far the hardest time for me, and the most emotional goodbye I've seen from an entire group. The sobbing could be heard as we went down the escalators to security. Do you know what its like to walk with a group of orphans who are crying because they just had to say goodbye to probably the only people in their life who truly care for them? It.is.HARD.
Its super hard for me because while my heart is breaking, I can't just stand there and lose it. I have to make sure everyone is accounted for, and several were late which sends me into a freakout mode wondering if they forgot or if they decided not to return their kids (and I'm only half joking.) I had to make sure everyone got checked in. Another host mom and I negotiated gate passes so we could help the chaperone and the kids through security and make sure they got to their gate. First we were told no. Then another guy agreed because he was hosting two kids himself. (wow!)
(Another host mom totally rocked with helping get kids checked in and seated together.)
The airline boarded our entire group of kids first so I was once again able to watch D board the plane. The last images are always imprinted on my mind. I remember V in line at JFK. He stood there looking so sad, turning to waive every few seconds until he was out of my sight.
V boarded the plane with the group while D was the last to board after Christmas hosting, finally giving me a hug for the first time. D told me this summer that V got on the plane and sobbed.
This time, I got lots of hugs at the airport and as he walked through the door to the plane, he turned around and poked his head back out to say goodbye again. I just stood there and cried. Nose running, tears, no tissue. I had run off and left my iced tea at Starbucks because they started boarding the kids way sooner than I anticipated and I had to run to say goodbye. I went back up there red faced and grabbed a stack of napkins.
This time hurt. Bad.
The last thing I said as he boarded the plane was, "I will come get you. Wait for me."
I am so in love with this boy... how does a mama send a son back to an orphanage?
It gets harder every time.
Our agency is hopeful that even with the delays in Ukraine, we will still get a September appointment date. Of course its Ukraine and it could end up being October, but we are at peace with God's timing. It doesn't mean that it isn't ripping our hearts out to send him back, but we trust that God can see all that we cannot.
D has been telling me how V "balshoy platch"(big cry) after Christmas hosting ended. Talk about breaking a mama's heart. He asked me if papa and I cried when they left. Yep, buddy we did. Its why 3 days later we were signing adoption paperwork & setting up fundraisers. Soon you'll be mine forever!
We have a small flock of chickens. On Monday we got a new hen and the roosters have been out of their mind. They are so "in love" with this new hen that both rooster are making nests in the henhouse hoping to entice the new hen to lay an egg.
Shhhh... no one tell them that she is not laying yet.
Why didn't you pick someone else who had more patience?
Why didn't you pick someone else who wasn't so full of sarcasm?
Why didn't you pick someone else who had more grace under fire and was less "full of piss & vinegar." (my husband's description of how I get)
Why didn't you choose a meek person?
Why did you pick me when you know that I tend to go into over protective mama bear mode on people?
Why didn't you pick someone who would reflect more of YOUR grace when the going gets tough and look less like a consuming fire ready to burn up all that stands in its path?
I'm the person who gets told "no" and whether I wanted to actually do it or not, will find a way JUST to show that person I can do it anyways.
Why didn't you pick someone who was more likely to show grace and understanding when people are being particularly nonchalant about a super urgent matter?
Why did God pick a person who gets angry at injustice not just because its unjust, but because there are so many others who just do.not.care? Yes. I get angry at the people who do not care. Really angry. I hate complacency. There I said it. I HATE it, and that makes it hard for me to take some people seriously or even want to be around them because their lives are so complacent.
Why? Why? Why ME, God?
Why did You break MY heart and give ME this task when I am so unqualified.
I am feeling really misunderstood today. REALLY.MISUNDERSTOOD.
My heart has been hopelessly broken for those who have no one. I have this fire shut up inside of me just waiting to come roaring out when people don't care. My emotions are raw. My children are MINE but they are not HERE. I cannot just shut that feeling off. It IS my life right now.
When those that mean the most to me do not care about what I care about,
the things that are breaking my heart, I get upset.
Yes. I do.
Sometimes I have a hard time focussing on what is right and I get angry at what is wrong.
because I care so much.
I did not choose this path. God clearly chose me for it.
So why God?
Why pick me to be the one to do this incredibly hard thing?
Why not someone who would do it better?
Somewhere in the midst of my crying and telling God he should have picked a better person,
I felt like He told me,
"Don't you think I knew what you were like? I chose you because you have what it takes to go get them."
We witness a miracle every time a child enters into life; but those who make their journey home across time and miles, growing within the hearts of those who wait to love them,are carried on the wings of destiny; and placed among us by God's very own hands. --Kristi Larson
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