Hoping to someday find M's brother adopted in the U.S. -
Myckola Oleksandrovych Markov - 8/26/2003

Monday, August 5, 2013

Why Me?

We have a lot going on right now.  A LOT.   

I have been asking God why me?

Why did you pick ME?

Why didn't you pick someone else who had more patience?

Why didn't you pick someone else who wasn't so full of sarcasm?

Why didn't you pick someone else who had more grace under fire and was less "full of piss & vinegar." (my husband's description of how I get)

Why didn't you choose a meek person?  

Why did you pick me when you know that I tend to go into over protective mama bear mode on people?

Why didn't you pick someone who would reflect more of YOUR grace when the going gets tough and look less like a consuming fire ready to burn up all that stands in its path?  

I'm the person who gets told "no" and whether I wanted to actually do it or not, will find a way JUST to show that person I can do it anyways.

Why didn't you pick someone who was more likely to show grace and understanding when people are being particularly nonchalant about a super urgent matter?

Why did God pick a person who gets angry at injustice not just because its unjust, but because there are so many others who just do.not.care?  Yes.  I get angry at the people who do not care. Really angry.  I hate complacency.  There I said it.  I HATE it, and that makes it hard for me to take some people seriously or even want to be around them because their lives are so complacent.      

Why? Why? Why ME, God?  
Why did You break MY heart and give ME this task when I am so unqualified.  

I am feeling really misunderstood today.  REALLY.MISUNDERSTOOD.

My heart has been hopelessly broken for those who have no one.  I have this fire shut up inside of me just waiting to come roaring out when people don't care.  My emotions are raw.  My children are MINE but they are not HERE.  I cannot just shut that feeling off.  It IS my life right now. 

When those that mean the most to me do not care about what I care about, 
the things that are breaking my heart, I get upset.
Yes. I do.

Sometimes I have a hard time focussing on what is right and I get angry at what is wrong.
because I care so much. 

I did not choose this path.  God clearly chose me for it.  

So why God?  
Why pick me to be the one to do this incredibly hard thing?  
Why not someone who would do it better?  

Somewhere in the midst of my crying and telling God he should have picked a better person, 
I felt like He told me,

"Don't you think I knew what you were like? I chose you because you have what it takes to go get them."  

1 comment:

The Bell Family said...

Amen Erin! I am right there with you. It is sooo hard to see people go on about their lives when you are shouting from the roof top about the needs these children have. They need to be home and with family. Just remember God has this, His timing is perfect and you are the chosen one. (I wish He would choose me again!)Hang in there girl, love ya!


We witness a miracle every time a child enters into life; but those who make their journey home across time and miles, growing within the hearts of those who wait to love them,are carried on the wings of destiny; and placed among us by God's very own hands. --Kristi Larson