Hoping to someday find M's brother adopted in the U.S. -
Myckola Oleksandrovych Markov - 8/26/2003

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Lets Get One Thing Straight

I'm not sure what it is that's gotten me so.very.many. inappropriate questions asked in front of my kids recently.  Maybe because I'm 29 and have 6 kids?  Maybe its that the 6 kids are in a 6 year spread with 3 of them being the same age for 6 months out of the year?

WHATEVER IT IS, people need to know that

my kids considered themselves siblings from the moment W met V with me at JFK airport.
I didn't plan it that way... we were just hosting him for summer.
To be honest, I thought there was no way it could ever work out with that whole lie from hell disrupting the birth order thing.  

But you can clearly see the pain etched in our faces when he had to leave.
He became ours because love said so.

We moved mountains to rid that face of the pain you see here.  
We said YES to the impossible to make him ours.

So now that we did the crazy best thing ever and adopted ALL of our boys, it kills me to hear questions  asked in front of my kids like, "So... which ones are brothers?"

"Do they have the same father?"

People will look at them standing there and actually point to my kids and say, 

"Which ones are adopted again?  Are they related, like were they brothers in Ukraine?"

"Is THAT ONE adopted?  Or... is he yours?"

"God bless you for adopting a *child like that*"
(this line is born from the worst kind of ignorance)

"You don't look old enough to have 6 kids.  Are they all yours?"
I really can't figure out how to answer this one without disrespecting myself or my kids other than 

Because our days are full of moments like this where no one has a label.

They are brothers.

They are all mine.

Maybe we didn't add to our family in the traditional way, but I can assure you that the airport was just as real as any hospital room.

Maybe our children chose us as much as we chose them.

Maybe we had to feel pain over months and miles and painfully count down the days until we were reunited.

A 10 year old boy is still vulnerable and in need of a mama just as much as any infant.

Can you tell me how I could possibly tell them that they aren't *really* brother and sister?

For my children, more of them were adopted than were born to me, so to them adoption is a very real way to add to our family.  We've adopted twice, I've given birth twice.  Both times we had more kids.

Its not really that weird.

My kids already know what everyone else needs to figure out.
Blood, nationality, parents, language, and culture do not siblings make.

LOVE makes a family, no matter how or where it happens.

But they already knew that, long before it was official.
My new three boys even Skyped their friends back at the orphanage and proudly told them, "We have 2 more brothers and a sister!"

So for the next person who asks me in front of my kids, "Which ones are brothers?" or "Which ones are adopted?" you can be warned that after today, I just won't answer.  Its not who they are.

My children do not deserve to be singled out on a daily basis while we are trying to live our lives and heal damage done to little hearts.  They do not need to be treated over and over again like they are different.  My biological kids don't need to hear that they aren't *really* brothers because, no, actually they don't "know what you mean."  

They are now and will forever be 



CandelaP said...

Im one of those anonymous bloggers but today i have to stop and say to you that wjat you said is incredible sweet. And you have all the true. Hugs from argentina!

Se Se said...

Print this out, keep it in your purse and when someone asks, say "I don't answer ignorant questions." and hand them a copy of this post. Good grief. Are these people completely unaware of how this must sound to the kids?!

Mamas Hands said...

Amen! We host a lot of children, and I have found that the looks and comments we get when the kids are obviously not our bio kids are far kinder than the looks and comment when it just appears that I have a gaggle of children all roughly the same age and color. MYOB people!

We witness a miracle every time a child enters into life; but those who make their journey home across time and miles, growing within the hearts of those who wait to love them,are carried on the wings of destiny; and placed among us by God's very own hands. --Kristi Larson