Hoping to someday find M's brother adopted in the U.S. -
Myckola Oleksandrovych Markov - 8/26/2003

Friday, February 13, 2015

Why I Will NEVER EVER Wear Sweater Joggers

Ladies, you've all seen the posts filling our newsfeed.  The ones about *those* pants.  And I'm sure unless you are a dirty wench like me, you've made a vow to abstain from *those* too sexy pants that have the ability to turn otherwise righteous men into drooling animals.  My husband likes how I look in yoga pants, and since I am being a Godly submissive wife, I wear them at every opportunity to please him.  However, you clearly should not unless your husband also has massive man muscles and firearms to scare off other lusting males.

Our sisters have all taken up arms against these horrifying pants that have been around for years now without anyone taking note of what a dangerous problem they were creating.  We will never be able to forget for a single moment that such dangers exist because our newsfeed now flashes a warning every 5 posts.  I have heard that the CDC is working on an anti-yoga pants vaccine for the Christian population who just can't seem to step away.  Since that will surely be available soon, and even those who don't get the vaccine will soon have herd immunity, I want to warn you of a new threat to our vow of pant purity.

This new threat popped into my inbox this morning from one of my favorite retailers.

I was so horrified that I completely forgot to leave a comment on my friend's anti-vax post.
(supportive of course because pious women don't tear each other down on social media)

Behold the Sweater Jogger

Ladies, just don't.
These are 50 Shades of inappropriate.
These may seem like the antidote to yoga pants by making the shape of your backside indiscernible from that of the saggy baggy elephant, but that does not make them ok.

It is not womanly to wear something that Justin Bieber has been seen crotch smacking in.
I don't care if you do add heels and a sweater to try to "casual chic" them into acceptability.
They are still sweatpants.

Women who want to evoke only the most pure thoughts from men should not wear pants that could conjure up thoughts of sweating and contain a drawstring.  Some men associate sweating with…well you know, and they like to untie things.

Just because they contain enough material in the crotch area to add four more inches of length, does not make them acceptable to wear outside of an unlit room.

Ladies, they are hideous and therefore completely irresistible to the most fashion challenged and comfort loving among us (men).  Also, I'm pretty sure that the Crusaders wore pants like these while riding their horses, perpetuating violence all over the world.  Do you want to dress like that?

Some women have already started taking this attention getting trend even farther by not only wearing them with dangerously sinful high heels; they are wearing them untied, in a gesture that seems to scream "These things are already falling off, just finish the job!"  I mean just how easy are these to take off?  We should be asking these questions before we turn to the latest fashion that may inspire improprieties by those who might be tempted to give them a tug as they pass by.

When it comes to sweater joggers, the answer is clear; unless you want to look like a trashy tramp or are a rapper who likes to crotch grab and twerk, don't buy these.
Comfort is not the answer.

And well, these are just ugly so I'll stick to my yoga pants.  


Emily said...

HOWLING with laughter right now!!!!!!

ErinL said...

So funny! I have a hubby who likes me in yoga pants too. :) Facebook is now the place where everything can be blown out of proportion. Thanks for making me laugh!

Blessed said...


I needed this today. : )

We witness a miracle every time a child enters into life; but those who make their journey home across time and miles, growing within the hearts of those who wait to love them,are carried on the wings of destiny; and placed among us by God's very own hands. --Kristi Larson