Hoping to someday find M's brother adopted in the U.S. -
Myckola Oleksandrovych Markov - 8/26/2003

Monday, April 6, 2015

Breathe In. Breathe Out.

So, I've been confined to "modified bed rest" after an ultrasound revealed an issue.  I'm on week two of couch sitting, and I am officially going nuts.  I really do not love watching more than a few shows on TV and I've resorted to downloading books on psychology to try to engage my mind in something more interesting than the sunshine outside and all the things that I typically would be doing.

This sitting time has definitely given me plenty of time to chill out.  I'm not allowed to attend IEP meetings (doctor's orders) because I'm not allowed to get my heart rate or blood pressure up at.all.  I couldn't even read through evals anymore without having my heart race and my palms sweat, so I know this is the right call.  But this was hard to let go of!  I have attended every meeting for my kids from the get go with the exception of one I missed because Wy was unexpectedly admitted to the hospital.  It got my heart rate up just thinking about NOT being able to attend meetings through the end of the year.  I cried.  But I had to let it go.  When it came down to it, there was no choice.

One thing I've realized after two weeks of mandated relaxing and the inability to attend meetings is that I didn't even realize how wired I was.  Someone dropped a cup in the kitchen the other day and it startled me, but what I noticed was that I didn't immediately get that surge of heart pounding "fight or flight" adrenaline that used to come.

I get calls from the school weekly.  Every single time, I'd see the number and immediately get hit with a megadose of adrenaline that would leave me feeling shaky, breathless, and wound up for hours afterwards even if the call wasn't a big deal!  A few days ago I got a call from the school and I actually managed to answer it without feeling this way.  I hung up and felt…normal?

On Friday, my husband was off so we picked the kids up a little early from school.  As soon as we walked up to the door to buzz the intercom, I got hit with it.

Heart pounding.  
Shaking.  Sweating.  
Instantly I felt sick to my stomach and had to sit down.
I very nearly threw up in the lobby (that doesn't have a trash can or access to a bathroom!)  

This is what I had been dealing with and didn't even realize how bad it was until I had a break from it.  This feeling got worse because we have been requesting for graded tests to be sent home with some of our kids so we could see how they were doing, and the teachers are denying this request.  Friday was W's last day at school because, for many reasons (that I won't even get into), we made the decision not to send him back after spring break.  We wanted his completed work from writing class.  They won't allow parents back to the classrooms with their children, so we had to send him back, twice, to ask for it.  The teacher refused.  Oh I was so upset and trying so hard not to be!  It was so rude.  We're the parents and we can ask for his records, but we were kept locked out of the school in the lobby, and denied our son's work that we have every legal right to ask for.  I hate how everything has to turn into me threatening legal action because we really just wanted his completed writing papers because HE wanted to show us his work.

The way our son was treated and the lack of respect we were shown as his parents just cemented the decision to pull him out for us.  The school reminds me more of a prison camp that wants to hide what they're doing rather than a fun educational environment that wants to include parents.  You know those stories about how the Nazis would "dress up" a Jewish ghetto and then allow reporters in to show them how well they treated the Jews?  But as soon as the press left, it was back to the Nazis we read about in history?  Yeah.  While a harsh comparison (yes I know but that's what came to mind), that is what my kids' school reminds me of, and I am not the only parent that feels this way.  We're welcome on their terms, but keep the freak out if we show up unannounced, and woe be unto the parent who walks their child back to class during a holiday event even with a visitor pass.  I'm all for safety measures, but they know who I am.

At least now I have one less child to stress over, and I think this whole forced hiatus from school induced stress has given me some real clarity on what we need to do with the kids next year.  The kids are off on Spring Break this week and I am so relieved.  Isn't that weird?  Its less stressful to have 6 kids out of school than AT SCHOOL.    

What makes me sad is that despite the issues we've had, there are a few really great teachers there that do care for my kids.  After dealing with so many indifferent teachers and staff, its easy to pick out the ones that care.  I find myself wishing that I could hire my pick of one or two teachers, remodel my basement, and build my own little school for my kids.  That is completely unrealistic of course, but I've always had impossible out of the box dreams…

Right now though I am stuck on the couch with my crazy dreams being reminded to just "Breathe in. Breathe Out."  But I can dream...



Blessed said...

Oh, that can't be good for your health--so glad this break has given you clarity! I am praying right now that God shows your family what the answers are to these most pressing issues. : (

SammE said...

Please continue to care for yourself. Your kids and baby-to-be need you to be healthy! I sure can understand that being couch-bound can be boring, but it seems to be helping. Please take care! :)

We witness a miracle every time a child enters into life; but those who make their journey home across time and miles, growing within the hearts of those who wait to love them,are carried on the wings of destiny; and placed among us by God's very own hands. --Kristi Larson