Hoping to someday find M's brother adopted in the U.S. -
Myckola Oleksandrovych Markov - 8/26/2003

Friday, February 26, 2016

The Best Thing...

So, Brain Integration Therapy is cool.  The therapist told me stuff about D that Dr. Federici told me about D.  So I didn't learn really anything new about him.  It was the same info told in a different way.  
That's good though.  It means she knows what she's talking about.

What struck me the most in the middle of our conversation though was when she said, "Your kids have a lot of holes in the development."  Basically we don't know why they don't know how to do things.  A baby learns what a spoon is because mama is there putting food in its mouth saying "spoon" over and over.  Baby identifies the word "spoon" with the object "spoon" and later is able to read and write "spoon" all because of the developmental stages that took place with a loving and nurturing mother.  

Then we have M who at 4 1/2 didn't know what the heck a spoon was because they drank broth straight from bowls at her baby house.

The therapist was explaining that somewhere along the line she could tell that D had missed steps in his developmental process, but she said next was what floored me.

She said "You know, one of the best things you could do for your kids is to let them help with the baby.  Let them teach her how to do things as she grows because in order to teach something a person has to know how to do it.  As she grows and they teach her and play with her, they will fill in their own holes."  

Really.  The best thing for my kids apparently was me having a baby.

Apparently sometimes even when our life seems to have gone off down the crazy track at warp speed God was actually giving us exactly what we needed the most.

Brain Integration Therapy

A quick update on D.  He is still reading at a very, very early elementary level.  While I see improvement, things are just not clicking for him like they really should.  What I know he needs is a program like Lindamood-Bell that is specifically for Dyslexic kids.  That's what was recommended by Dr. Federici.  That is what the school refused to provide.  That is what I cannot afford.  AH!!
The frustration is palpable.

So, I found a Brain Integration Therapist.  She is also NOT cheap, but she claims that she can repair the issues he has in his brain that make reading, writing, and retaining information in general so difficult for him.  She says that in 8-10 sessions she can repair these issues.

Yes, I am skeptical.  I have been mulling this over for a year now, but had not pursued it due to costs and wishful thinking that perhaps things would finally click for D once we got him out of the school environment and allowed him to de-stress.
They have not.

I am frustrated with both his lack of effort and his lack of ability.  And not just AT him.  I am frustrated for him because he so obviously WANTS to please me, but he absolutely cannot learn things when he cannot read.  Its like he has accepted that he cannot read well and sees no reason to put forth extra effort to work harder at something that is (in his mind) so unattainable.  If I present things in a very loving way, he takes it as me not being very serious about him needing to put effort into it.  If I demand a greater effort, he acts like he is being punished.  I cannot seem to unwrap the happy medium.  We have explained that he cannot drive a car or have a job (things he wants to do) if he cannot read in hopes that a goal would spur him onward.  He just seems to accept that what we are saying is true without being motivated by the potential outcome.

I am the most motivated person I know when I want to do something.  I was this way as a child.  Tell me I can't and you have guaranteed that I will now spend my life's energy on proving you wrong.  D is not like this.  If someone tells him that he cannot, he won't.  If you tell him that he can and its hard, he still won't.  I am at the far outer reaches of my parenting abilities here.  How to motivate a child that has no real goals except to do things that are easy and fun?  I have honestly no idea.  Easy is boring to me.

The Brain Integration Therapist seems to think that its a combo of both PTSD and some form of brain injury.  This is basically an extremely condensed version of what Dr. Federici said his problems stem from. Where they came from and what they are right now do not matter so much as how we move past them.

I am honestly too skeptical to be hopeful.  This is going to cost over $1000 and while I am well aware of the possibilities of neuroplasticity, I also see this as being perhaps "too good to be true."  However, this particular therapist and her office keep popping up in my newsfeed and being mentioned to be by friends.  I know from experience that this is often God's way of nudging me in the right direction.  If God keeps throwing little tidbits of facts my way, its often worth checking out.

So, here we go!  Please pray with me that this helps my boy.  If this works for D then we will of course pursue therapy for the other 3 kids.

Monday, February 8, 2016

Making Time for Me

I've been taking a break from my normal blogging for a while now.  As anyone who reads my blog knows, I have been under a lot of stress for quite some time.  Taking the kids out of school did help relieve the worst of the "I just cannot take another second of this crap" feeling, but ultimately I've had to come to terms with the fact that I just don't know how to handle stress in a very healthy way.  I APPEAR to deal well with stress.  I get things done and I get them done well, but it comes at great personal expense to my well being.  I have a great deal of anxiety about e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. and while at first I felt relieved about taking the kids out of school, the anxiety quickly came roaring back in other ways.

So, I have finally been talking to a psychologist about ME.  

The terms he has used to describe what I have going on are nothing new to me.  I am familiar with things like anxiety disorders and PTSD because of issues my kids have. What's interesting to me is that I have been able to bring healing and happiness my kids in a relatively short amount of time ( a few years), but not to myself (after many years).  This is of course why I am talking to a psychologist!  

What has been pointed out to me is that I took my children away from a bad environment and replaced it with a loving family.  No one did that for me as a child.  I was stuck in an abusive environment with a Narcissistic mother until I got married at 18.

Something that I've noticed is that there seems to be a common theme among adoptive mothers.  Many of us seem to share painful pasts with at least one abusive parent.  I find that very intriguing… why do so many women that were the victims of abuse during their childhood, particularly from their mother, seem to find their way to adopting children?  I don't know… but I have been thinking about it a lot.

Right now though, I'm spending some time finally trying to heal myself.  After having the baby many things I thought were long buried in my past came back like it had happened yesterday.  I came to a point where I knew that in order to be the best mom and wife I can be, I needed to work on me.  I was never able to deal with what happened to me as a child.  I honestly never realized how much a parent can shape a child's view of themselves before.  Its truly something to be mindful of as I raise my kids.

One thing I am finding is that working through things is exhausting.  

I really hope to come back to blogging more frequently.  Its definitely something that I enjoy doing!  Right now though my mind is in full on decompression and I am having a hard time being able to focus on anything enough to write about it.

As soon as I can think a little clearer… maybe I'll share more.

We witness a miracle every time a child enters into life; but those who make their journey home across time and miles, growing within the hearts of those who wait to love them,are carried on the wings of destiny; and placed among us by God's very own hands. --Kristi Larson