Hoping to someday find M's brother adopted in the U.S. -
Myckola Oleksandrovych Markov - 8/26/2003

Monday, February 8, 2016

Making Time for Me

I've been taking a break from my normal blogging for a while now.  As anyone who reads my blog knows, I have been under a lot of stress for quite some time.  Taking the kids out of school did help relieve the worst of the "I just cannot take another second of this crap" feeling, but ultimately I've had to come to terms with the fact that I just don't know how to handle stress in a very healthy way.  I APPEAR to deal well with stress.  I get things done and I get them done well, but it comes at great personal expense to my well being.  I have a great deal of anxiety about e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. and while at first I felt relieved about taking the kids out of school, the anxiety quickly came roaring back in other ways.

So, I have finally been talking to a psychologist about ME.  

The terms he has used to describe what I have going on are nothing new to me.  I am familiar with things like anxiety disorders and PTSD because of issues my kids have. What's interesting to me is that I have been able to bring healing and happiness my kids in a relatively short amount of time ( a few years), but not to myself (after many years).  This is of course why I am talking to a psychologist!  

What has been pointed out to me is that I took my children away from a bad environment and replaced it with a loving family.  No one did that for me as a child.  I was stuck in an abusive environment with a Narcissistic mother until I got married at 18.

Something that I've noticed is that there seems to be a common theme among adoptive mothers.  Many of us seem to share painful pasts with at least one abusive parent.  I find that very intriguing… why do so many women that were the victims of abuse during their childhood, particularly from their mother, seem to find their way to adopting children?  I don't know… but I have been thinking about it a lot.

Right now though, I'm spending some time finally trying to heal myself.  After having the baby many things I thought were long buried in my past came back like it had happened yesterday.  I came to a point where I knew that in order to be the best mom and wife I can be, I needed to work on me.  I was never able to deal with what happened to me as a child.  I honestly never realized how much a parent can shape a child's view of themselves before.  Its truly something to be mindful of as I raise my kids.

One thing I am finding is that working through things is exhausting.  

I really hope to come back to blogging more frequently.  Its definitely something that I enjoy doing!  Right now though my mind is in full on decompression and I am having a hard time being able to focus on anything enough to write about it.

As soon as I can think a little clearer… maybe I'll share more.


Endo_Life said...

You have to look after yourself first. Thinking of you x

Blessed said...

Glad to hear you are getting a chance to work though some of your own needs. Very important! I am working on some related issues, and just read a book you will either really like or really hate. Or some of both. ; ) It is called "The Mom Factor" by cloud and Townsend. I bought it used on amazon for just a few bucks, and it has been totally worth it. Not only did I see the particular dysfunction with my mom clearly for the first time, but I also saw how I was inadvertently doing the same with my own kids, esp. my eldest. I'm a recovering codependent, and it was also very good to see my MIL in this book and to be able to consider what nurturing needs my husband likely did not get growing up and how that has led to some of our issues in our marriage. So, while I quibble with the title of the book (they really are not blaming moms for everyone's trouble, but do call it "mothering" and not "nurturing," which does place the emphasis on the mom, possible unfairly) I do recommend it.

May God show Himself to you through this season!

manho valentine said...

You have to look after yourself first. Thinking of you


We witness a miracle every time a child enters into life; but those who make their journey home across time and miles, growing within the hearts of those who wait to love them,are carried on the wings of destiny; and placed among us by God's very own hands. --Kristi Larson